The rule is I have to write the next newsletter at the bar. No fair play without nets, Kurt Vonnegut said.
T. has a copy of Tenth of December behind the bar; I brought in Theft By Finding that I picked up off a Cobble Hill stoop. Spring is in the air, as is silly deadpan white men.
The tulips are so ripe they look fake. Gracious T. pours me a taste of the Catarratto but today I don't want bite; I want blanket. We go with the Chablis.
Earlier today I was talking to J. about hard conversations, well I technically didn't tell him about all the hard conversations I've been having all year but it didn't seem like a good time.
G. sees I'm in, walks down the aisle to say hi. She asks if Theft By Finding is a good intro to David Sedaris. I say no, start with one of his story collections, they're less unhinged.
Anyhow. The thing about hard conversations — oh, the guy sitting two stools down is talking about obsessions with younger guys.
One more time. The thing about hard conversations is they do not solve problems. They provide clarity, confirmation of your fears, and then it is time to obey (God if you believe), accept (the universe if you believe). The knees of your heart fold in.
What starts in surrender ends in Chablis, short for glory.
What starts as an exercise in loss ends in a swole heart. A spiritual athleticism?
Why am I scarfing down this fava bean pea toast at the bar? Oh, the only thing I've had today is oolong, and then a papaya green tea slushie. To my dismay man cannot live off bubble tea alone.
Oh god. I can't send this email. They will know the depths of my incoherence.
One more time. The thing about hard conversations is saudade. Portuguese for the love that remains. What you thought was just residual affection is actually main character love. Makes sense, you were born to love. But why do we try our utmost to pursue those who lack capacity for our devotion?
Love is patient, love is kind, etc etc.
Love is unromantic, love is inconvenient.
T. pours me an extra splash with the check. What do I do with all this abundance?
I do not fear love running dry; I fear it becoming orphan.
How do you tell someone you've loved them a long time?